FAITH

I am a resilient mo’fucka. I’ve always been that way. In the depths of my ever-evolving soul, which insists on experiencing the full spectrum of emotion, there’s a fire that just won’t be put out. That fire is self-love, pride, and a sense of being the universe that I allow myself to resign to.

Lately, however, I find myself at war with all the values that have kept my fire burning, and my spirit alive. That all too familiar feeling of my soul repairing itself, piece by piece, one heart beat at a time…continues to escape me. I can break a smile through my tears, but it doesn’t ease the experience of confronting some painful truths.

There are certain situations in life that you cannot avoid, or control. I cannot cure my father of cancer. I cannot force the men in my life to honor me, or love me in a particular way. I cannot expect that my friends will always follow through on their promises. Or that my boss will recognize my talent, and value my efforts. Down to my identity – I cannot expect the world to see me the way that I see myself.

I’ve been going through it ya’ll. 2009 – holla if you hear me! I have been devastated beyond my wildest imagination. I have encountered people, and situations, that revealed to me, so unfairly and relentlessly, that the world is not as I thought it was. That I am simply going to have to accept certain realities.

But I’ve never been one to embrace reality. What is real anyway? Each and every one of our senses is culturally committed to experiencing the world in a particular way. So knowing that we are culturally conditioned, can’t we actively oppose that conditioning? In other words, isn’t it possible to see the world the way that we want to?

Sometimes I think that the mystery of it all is God, revealing Herself.

I once thought that the answer was clear. I thought we had the choice. I believed once, so wholeheartedly, that we could decide to interpret certain moments in our lives any way that we want. That was my religion. I only had faith in that.

But, what is faith if I can no longer rely on that? Why does having faith – the experience of faith – empower me to accept what I can’t change, and change what I know I ought to? How does faith contribute, at all, to my sense of self?

I can make myself believe that my father will live to see my children. I can make myself believe that I chose to fall in love with someone who was worthy of my love, and chose to stay in love because he loved me intentionally. I can rekindle old friendships, and make excuses for their disloyalty. I can quit my job, and tell the man to stick it where it belongs. I can even convince myself that I am a living, breathing, part of a society that values my presence – I can allow myself to be rooted in other people’s concept of humanity. I can be myself, and fit in.

Over the years, I have been so damn self-righteous – naively opposing any and every experience that challenged this point of view.

Until now.

It serves no purpose to believe that the world owes me anything. I can no longer believe that I’ll get what I deserve. So I want to start building a sense of self, and a moral code, based on that. Based on that alone, I have faith that I will not be a victim of my circumstances.